Here's how I celebrated New Year's Eve (hereinafter referred to as "NYE"). I went down to our local English pub, The Olde Ship. Now, this is in Fullerton, CA mind you, so don't go thinking I'm in some exotic location in the UK. So, me and my friend, Kurt, meet at the Ship at around 1:15 p.m. Yes, that 1:15 in the afternoon, not 1:15 in the a.m. That would be morning, dumbass.

We arrive at the bar to find it already starting to fill with NYE revelers and we quickly stake our place at the bar, order 2 pints (Imperial pints, the big ones) of J.C. (John Courage, not the other "J.C."), and wait for the fun to begin. Closer to 3:30, the place is starting to get full. To my best estimate, there are somewhere around 100 people crammed into this tiny pub. Finally, closer to 4:00, the place is bursting at the seams. No less than four bartenders are madly trying to keep up with the drink orders as they fly around (mixed drinks, pints, wine, water); the owners pass out party favors; people try desperately to get to the bar; the countdown starts. . .

See, I'm the only one in the joint with a watch that receives its calibration from the Atomic Clock in Colorado Springs, CO, so the owner is looking to me to count it down. Well, with about a minute to go, some yayhoo starts with the 10, 9, 8, 7 bullshit. Fucker. Ruined my moment as the official timepiece. So, at 4:00 p.m., PST, the New Year was rung in by a huge crowd of Brits, Wannabe Brits, and overall bunch of drunks in downtown Fullerton. It was awesome. There was a piper strolling through the joint, I got a full scotch and soda dropped on my leg and all over my shorts, good looking girls used our status as old married farts to come up and flirt their way to the bar to order drinks, and we loved every minute of it.

The best part of the whole day was the fact that once 4:00 hit, the place started clearing out. We left around 4:30. I went home and took a nap.

NYE doesn't get any better, because it normally blows. We're going next year and taking the wives.

So they can drive us home.