I had great thoughts about how we spend too much time hyping Halloween and Christmas and how Thanksgiving (my personal favorite) has been relegated to "Last Thursday in November" status (see the fact that K-Mart starts their sales on Thanksgiving, not after; but then, who shops in that ghetto-ass, piece of shit, Targetwannabe, disease ridden, store anyway) by retailers; but Dan beat me to it.
Besides, he's much funnier and a better writer than I. For now.
www.theartofdansilver.com Look for the Thanksgiving essay.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Gentle readers,
I've been pretty fucking lazy lately. That and i have to wait until I get home to post to my own blog. One reason for this is my employer's new policy of watching us while on line to make sure we're not spending all our time finding new ways to download porn around their very stout firewall.
Jesus.
OK, I'll admit, I like pictures of boobies as much as the next guy, unless he's gay; but, do I spend every waking hour finding pictures of men and women in various states of coital pleasure? No. Actually, there's something insidiously gay about seeing some dude's junk flopping around, even if it is doing the ol' in and out. Don't get me started on guys who like watching anal sex. Just believe me when I say, I ain't into the whole internet porn thing.
So, my school district decides it's a good time to become Big Brother and watch us as we go online. Well, they're going to get pretty bored watching me. I visit about 4 websites regularly: Crossfit (www.crossfit.com), T-Nation (www.t-nation.com), Fark (www.fark.com), and of course, The Art of Dan Silver (www.theartofdansilver.com). Nothing there that's going to set off bells and whistles. But get this; if we leave a window open with Internet Explorer running, it generates an exception report. Said report is given to our principal and we get called up for a spanking. Sweet! Our kids are struggling to write their own name, and I know why!! Their teachers are busy looking at nekkid women in chat rooms or something like that.
Hey, I know there has to be someone out there breaking the rules like mad to cause such a knee-jerk reaction. The question is, is it really that bad? I guess so, because why would an employer go to such extreme, Third Reich-like measures to protect themselves? I guess I don't have a pot to piss in on this one, but it bothers the shit out of me that they want to look over my shoulder like this.
Hey, bosses! Look at the test scores of my kids. Pretty nice, huh. So cut me a break and look over there. I think that guy is looking at the SI swimsuit edition on-line. Pervert.
I've been pretty fucking lazy lately. That and i have to wait until I get home to post to my own blog. One reason for this is my employer's new policy of watching us while on line to make sure we're not spending all our time finding new ways to download porn around their very stout firewall.
Jesus.
OK, I'll admit, I like pictures of boobies as much as the next guy, unless he's gay; but, do I spend every waking hour finding pictures of men and women in various states of coital pleasure? No. Actually, there's something insidiously gay about seeing some dude's junk flopping around, even if it is doing the ol' in and out. Don't get me started on guys who like watching anal sex. Just believe me when I say, I ain't into the whole internet porn thing.
So, my school district decides it's a good time to become Big Brother and watch us as we go online. Well, they're going to get pretty bored watching me. I visit about 4 websites regularly: Crossfit (www.crossfit.com), T-Nation (www.t-nation.com), Fark (www.fark.com), and of course, The Art of Dan Silver (www.theartofdansilver.com). Nothing there that's going to set off bells and whistles. But get this; if we leave a window open with Internet Explorer running, it generates an exception report. Said report is given to our principal and we get called up for a spanking. Sweet! Our kids are struggling to write their own name, and I know why!! Their teachers are busy looking at nekkid women in chat rooms or something like that.
Hey, I know there has to be someone out there breaking the rules like mad to cause such a knee-jerk reaction. The question is, is it really that bad? I guess so, because why would an employer go to such extreme, Third Reich-like measures to protect themselves? I guess I don't have a pot to piss in on this one, but it bothers the shit out of me that they want to look over my shoulder like this.
Hey, bosses! Look at the test scores of my kids. Pretty nice, huh. So cut me a break and look over there. I think that guy is looking at the SI swimsuit edition on-line. Pervert.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Three words: What the fuck?
Three more words: Aren't they dead? (yes I know aren't is a contraction and technically 2 words, but it's my blog: Fuck off)
I hear they're "enhancing" their concert sounds this tour as well (read "enhancing" to mean exactly the same thing it meant to Ashley Simpson on SNL).
OK, so back to this Christian fish thing.
So the atheists have their fish to go up against the Christian thing. Great. Now comes the response; the Christian fish eating the Darwin fish, only the Christian fish has the word "Truth" inside of it instead of "Jesus" or something to that effect. It's all very silly and it all leads to the same conclusion: If you see the stupid fish on the back of someone's car, get away as fast as you can. Switch lanes; speed up; swerve like mad; take the next exit, because if you don't one of these misguided shit-for-brains will run you into a ditch. No lie, they suck.
(oh, for a very well written and on-point essay on Christians and their man JC, see http://www.theartofdansilver.com/jesus.html. you'll love it)
This is the point I was getting to all along; no matter what the fish is on the back of the car, the driver is a raging buffoon who obviously got his/her driver's license via the internet. Think I'm exaggerating? Go for a drive. Pull up behind some car with the fish, or a "I love Jesus" bumpersticker, or better yet one of those idiotic "rapture" stickers (see last blog). The idiot driving is so engrossed listening to Ernest Ainsley or Billy Graham or those plastic as hell assholes from TBN, that he doesn't see the light change. Better yet, since God is their co-pilot, they don't need to signal to change lanes. Shit, since God's riding shotgun, they don't even check the lane to see your sorry ass driving along side. Here they come! Honk the horn, give 'em the finger; hell, give them the whole fist. They just smile, wave and mouth out the words, "Jesus loves you!" See, it's not their fault; God was supposed to tell them you were in the lane, but he must have forgotton. Nice. You want a sure way to develop road rage? Follow a "Christian driver" for a few miles. No one will be spared your wrath.
The problem got so bad that my daughters started pointing out cars with fish on them. They thought it was some sort of warning sticker, like in the U.K. where they plaster huge red "L's" on the cars of recent licensees. We'd be driving along and my kids would say, "Look out dad! There's another one with a fish!" and I'd smile quitely to myself. Like I said before, sport a fish; get out of the way.
and you Darwin fuckers ain't any better.
I've got to go lift heavy objects.
So the atheists have their fish to go up against the Christian thing. Great. Now comes the response; the Christian fish eating the Darwin fish, only the Christian fish has the word "Truth" inside of it instead of "Jesus" or something to that effect. It's all very silly and it all leads to the same conclusion: If you see the stupid fish on the back of someone's car, get away as fast as you can. Switch lanes; speed up; swerve like mad; take the next exit, because if you don't one of these misguided shit-for-brains will run you into a ditch. No lie, they suck.
(oh, for a very well written and on-point essay on Christians and their man JC, see http://www.theartofdansilver.com/jesus.html. you'll love it)
This is the point I was getting to all along; no matter what the fish is on the back of the car, the driver is a raging buffoon who obviously got his/her driver's license via the internet. Think I'm exaggerating? Go for a drive. Pull up behind some car with the fish, or a "I love Jesus" bumpersticker, or better yet one of those idiotic "rapture" stickers (see last blog). The idiot driving is so engrossed listening to Ernest Ainsley or Billy Graham or those plastic as hell assholes from TBN, that he doesn't see the light change. Better yet, since God is their co-pilot, they don't need to signal to change lanes. Shit, since God's riding shotgun, they don't even check the lane to see your sorry ass driving along side. Here they come! Honk the horn, give 'em the finger; hell, give them the whole fist. They just smile, wave and mouth out the words, "Jesus loves you!" See, it's not their fault; God was supposed to tell them you were in the lane, but he must have forgotton. Nice. You want a sure way to develop road rage? Follow a "Christian driver" for a few miles. No one will be spared your wrath.
The problem got so bad that my daughters started pointing out cars with fish on them. They thought it was some sort of warning sticker, like in the U.K. where they plaster huge red "L's" on the cars of recent licensees. We'd be driving along and my kids would say, "Look out dad! There's another one with a fish!" and I'd smile quitely to myself. Like I said before, sport a fish; get out of the way.
and you Darwin fuckers ain't any better.
I've got to go lift heavy objects.
Monday, November 07, 2005
The Christian fish. We've all seen them. We know what they are and what they stand for. Heck, they just found one on the floor of an ancient prison in Isreal. It is one of the oldest symbols in the world and a way for Christians to identify one another anywhere in the world. It is also the international symbol of the worst fucking drivers ever to vex the roadways. That's right, God is your co-pilot and you are scaring the crap out of Him as you drive to church.
This all started out innocently enough, with Christians everywhere affixing plastic fishes to the backs of their Chevy Corsicas (you know the car I'm talking about; Katie Holmes drove one in Batman Begins) so everyone on the road could identify them, or at least their car, when the Rapture hit and their car, suddenly unmanned, swerved into a group of schoolchildren waiting for the bus to take them to their kindergarten class. Yeah, those fish. Soon, everyone was putting these things on their cars and no one was safe. Even the "borderline Christians" were under the mysterious spell of the fish. Fish everywhere, on every vehicle imaginable. It was like some sort of ichtiplague sweeping the vehicles of America.
Then the atheists got into the act and the Darwin fish, or are they salamanders, started appearing on beat up Sentras and Corollas. Quasi-intellectuals were slapping Darwins on their cars in defiance of their Christian oppressors and now the situation was way worse than before.
Where is this going? I'll tell you later. I have to go pick up my kid and watch some flag football.
Lucky me.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
In defense of Dubya?
Well, in a word, yes. Or not. Maybe? You see, I can't stand the little fella. He stole an election; dodged military service in the worst way (c'mon, he used daddy's connections and was supposedly in the Texas Air National Guard. Who was attacking Texas during Vietnam anyway? Mexico? Does Mexico have an air force? ); was a cokehead; was a drunk; was the owner of the Texas Rangers (new record for futility by a baseball franchise); was asleep at the switch for 9/11 (waddaya mean there are terrorists in the U.S.? I thought they were all in Syria? and while I'm at it, do all Republicans still believe Clinton ordered strikes on terrorist targets in Afghanistan to make people forget about a stain on a blue dress and Whitewater? Please, people, don't believe the hype); has singlehandedly dumped our economy in the toilet; has singlehandedly (OK, he had help) ruined our foreign relations cred in Europe; believes that Iraq was a bigger threat to national security than North Fucking Korea (a country run by Dr. Evil for God's sake); lead a halfassed effort in Afghanistan (just like dear ol' dad); has the Devil himself as a VP (Cheney could be a Sith Lord, but Devil is just as likely); wants a constitutional amendment to prevent gays from marrying (yeah, there's a pressing need); can't find a suitable supreme court justice (it's like watching a soap opera. . . a bad soap opera); and now the big Cheney/Rowe/Libby debacle. There's probably more, but seeing as I haven't seen Farenheit 9/11, I'm out of ideas at the moment.
Yeah, I'm not exactly a "Bush Backer." Thing is, I love my country. I'm thankful for every day I live here. I'm thankful for the fact that my parents didn't live in Mexico when I was born. I'm thankful I live in a country where free speech, free press, free religion, free assembly, free love. . .scratch that one. . . and free guns are valued pieces in a way of life. I love th fact that our founding fathers, although a bunch of slave owners and FreeMasons, were smart enough to establish a representative democracy and not a new kingdom. Yes, I can work, play, watch football, drink, gamble, and look at naked boobies on the internet all because I'm a goddamned 'Merican. yeeha!
So, this is why I'm pulling for the Chief Executive in his latest little debacle. I'm speaking of the Cheney/Rowe/Libby mess going on under his nose and on his watch. You see, the Devil, let's call him Dick Cheney, has one of his minions, Scooter Libby (love the name, shoulda been a baseball player: "Now batting; number 27; shortstop; Scooooter Liiiiibbbby!) leak the name of a CIA operative to the press, thus endangering said operative and sending a bold message to her husband who happens to be tearing the lid off of Cheney's rationale for attacking Iraq; namely, the fact (?) that Niger (silly schoolboy giggle) was selling weapons grade uranium to Iraq so they could make their nasty WMD's. Now Karl Rove's involvement in the whole thing is a little fuzzy as he's barely mentioned in the indictments. What's also unclear is whether Cheney was involved and if he was, to what extent. What's clear? Scooter Libby is a total prick. OK, newspaper guy is going to Niger to invesitigate the intelligence reports of uranium sales. OK, his wife was being asked to go with him. Scooter doesn't like the sounds of this, so he casually "leaks" the real identity of the CIA operative, thus putting her life in immediate peril. Nice. Maybe "prick" is too nice. Total, flamming, hemorrhoidal asshole could be better. Penis hole dweller? I know this is the "Reader's Digest" version of the story, but you get my drift. Seems like a petty little action with possibly deadly consequences.
So, what's this got to do with George's son, George? Plenty. Being the man in charge he's ultimately responsible for what goes on in his administration. Don't think that's true? As Ken Lay if he got to use the "it's not my fault, I didn't know what was going on when all those bad men were doing all those bad things" defense. I believe you can e-mail him in federal prison. So, being in the location of all buck stopping, ie; the Oval Office, President Bush must take swift and decicive action in this case. Use the full force of the Justice Department to squish Scooter Libby like the cockroach he is (emphasis on the cock). Fire Cheney for being a lousy VP and one evil sonofabitch. He lied to the president; he lied to the nation; he had a guy named Scooter as his chief of staff. Fire his ass now. Karl Rove? Here's what you say Mr. President, "Haven't seen him for days. I heard he was going on a vacation to Costa Rica. During hurricane season. To be with his wife, no mistress, no wife. Yeah, his wife. That's the ticket!" When Rove never returns, who's going to miss him? Certainly not his wife. Not the American people. Not even you, because this human boil on the backside of the presidency has done the decent thing and disappeared. Things would smell better instantly.
Next, after you have cut out the cancer that is the Cheney vice presidency (emphasis on vice), develop an exit strategy for Iraq; fix the economy; get someone who's not to the right of Hitler appointed as a supreme court justice; play nicey-nice with the Euros for a while and remind them who bailed out their sorry asses in WWI and WWII; get the Isrealis back in our corner (why you didn't do this earlier is beyond me) because they know more about the terrorists than we'll ever know. Besides, the terrorists fear the Israelis, I think. Well, the Palestenians don't, but they're crazy fuckers (just kidding all my Palestenian friends!! Good job with the whole Gaza thing) In other words, get my country back to being the best goddamn country on the planet instead of the biggest laughingstock. Oh, and another thing: don't turn your back on China. They're getting damn good at buying things over here and no one is noticing. They want to make us an economic colony of theirs. Get them in check now. I'm being paranoid. . .maybe not.
So, Mr. President, Dubya, George W., Little George; let's get with the program and make things right. Oh, one last thing: Lay off the gays, dude. Really, who gives a rat's ass if they want to marry. Two guys getting married will not destroy my marriage. Going on a drunken bender in a strip club will, but not the gays getting married.
Got to go take a CPR class.
Well, in a word, yes. Or not. Maybe? You see, I can't stand the little fella. He stole an election; dodged military service in the worst way (c'mon, he used daddy's connections and was supposedly in the Texas Air National Guard. Who was attacking Texas during Vietnam anyway? Mexico? Does Mexico have an air force? ); was a cokehead; was a drunk; was the owner of the Texas Rangers (new record for futility by a baseball franchise); was asleep at the switch for 9/11 (waddaya mean there are terrorists in the U.S.? I thought they were all in Syria? and while I'm at it, do all Republicans still believe Clinton ordered strikes on terrorist targets in Afghanistan to make people forget about a stain on a blue dress and Whitewater? Please, people, don't believe the hype); has singlehandedly dumped our economy in the toilet; has singlehandedly (OK, he had help) ruined our foreign relations cred in Europe; believes that Iraq was a bigger threat to national security than North Fucking Korea (a country run by Dr. Evil for God's sake); lead a halfassed effort in Afghanistan (just like dear ol' dad); has the Devil himself as a VP (Cheney could be a Sith Lord, but Devil is just as likely); wants a constitutional amendment to prevent gays from marrying (yeah, there's a pressing need); can't find a suitable supreme court justice (it's like watching a soap opera. . . a bad soap opera); and now the big Cheney/Rowe/Libby debacle. There's probably more, but seeing as I haven't seen Farenheit 9/11, I'm out of ideas at the moment.
Yeah, I'm not exactly a "Bush Backer." Thing is, I love my country. I'm thankful for every day I live here. I'm thankful for the fact that my parents didn't live in Mexico when I was born. I'm thankful I live in a country where free speech, free press, free religion, free assembly, free love. . .scratch that one. . . and free guns are valued pieces in a way of life. I love th fact that our founding fathers, although a bunch of slave owners and FreeMasons, were smart enough to establish a representative democracy and not a new kingdom. Yes, I can work, play, watch football, drink, gamble, and look at naked boobies on the internet all because I'm a goddamned 'Merican. yeeha!
So, this is why I'm pulling for the Chief Executive in his latest little debacle. I'm speaking of the Cheney/Rowe/Libby mess going on under his nose and on his watch. You see, the Devil, let's call him Dick Cheney, has one of his minions, Scooter Libby (love the name, shoulda been a baseball player: "Now batting; number 27; shortstop; Scooooter Liiiiibbbby!) leak the name of a CIA operative to the press, thus endangering said operative and sending a bold message to her husband who happens to be tearing the lid off of Cheney's rationale for attacking Iraq; namely, the fact (?) that Niger (silly schoolboy giggle) was selling weapons grade uranium to Iraq so they could make their nasty WMD's. Now Karl Rove's involvement in the whole thing is a little fuzzy as he's barely mentioned in the indictments. What's also unclear is whether Cheney was involved and if he was, to what extent. What's clear? Scooter Libby is a total prick. OK, newspaper guy is going to Niger to invesitigate the intelligence reports of uranium sales. OK, his wife was being asked to go with him. Scooter doesn't like the sounds of this, so he casually "leaks" the real identity of the CIA operative, thus putting her life in immediate peril. Nice. Maybe "prick" is too nice. Total, flamming, hemorrhoidal asshole could be better. Penis hole dweller? I know this is the "Reader's Digest" version of the story, but you get my drift. Seems like a petty little action with possibly deadly consequences.
So, what's this got to do with George's son, George? Plenty. Being the man in charge he's ultimately responsible for what goes on in his administration. Don't think that's true? As Ken Lay if he got to use the "it's not my fault, I didn't know what was going on when all those bad men were doing all those bad things" defense. I believe you can e-mail him in federal prison. So, being in the location of all buck stopping, ie; the Oval Office, President Bush must take swift and decicive action in this case. Use the full force of the Justice Department to squish Scooter Libby like the cockroach he is (emphasis on the cock). Fire Cheney for being a lousy VP and one evil sonofabitch. He lied to the president; he lied to the nation; he had a guy named Scooter as his chief of staff. Fire his ass now. Karl Rove? Here's what you say Mr. President, "Haven't seen him for days. I heard he was going on a vacation to Costa Rica. During hurricane season. To be with his wife, no mistress, no wife. Yeah, his wife. That's the ticket!" When Rove never returns, who's going to miss him? Certainly not his wife. Not the American people. Not even you, because this human boil on the backside of the presidency has done the decent thing and disappeared. Things would smell better instantly.
Next, after you have cut out the cancer that is the Cheney vice presidency (emphasis on vice), develop an exit strategy for Iraq; fix the economy; get someone who's not to the right of Hitler appointed as a supreme court justice; play nicey-nice with the Euros for a while and remind them who bailed out their sorry asses in WWI and WWII; get the Isrealis back in our corner (why you didn't do this earlier is beyond me) because they know more about the terrorists than we'll ever know. Besides, the terrorists fear the Israelis, I think. Well, the Palestenians don't, but they're crazy fuckers (just kidding all my Palestenian friends!! Good job with the whole Gaza thing) In other words, get my country back to being the best goddamn country on the planet instead of the biggest laughingstock. Oh, and another thing: don't turn your back on China. They're getting damn good at buying things over here and no one is noticing. They want to make us an economic colony of theirs. Get them in check now. I'm being paranoid. . .maybe not.
So, Mr. President, Dubya, George W., Little George; let's get with the program and make things right. Oh, one last thing: Lay off the gays, dude. Really, who gives a rat's ass if they want to marry. Two guys getting married will not destroy my marriage. Going on a drunken bender in a strip club will, but not the gays getting married.
Got to go take a CPR class.
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