Hey loyal readers,

Lookee here; two posts in as many days. Call it a spurt of creative energy.

In reality, this post is just to say I've opened up my comments to all users, not just registered ones. This could be bad, but I'm an egotistical bastard and invite comments to my blog.

The only reason I changed it in the first place was to prevent the religious zealots out there from cluttering up my comments when I took aim at their precious little waste of time I like to call, "Christianity." When I ranted against Christian drivers, I was besieged by Bible thumpers for having the wrong idea. OK, besieged is too strong a word. I got one comment from some dude wanting me to get saved and visit his web site. Still, it made me mad and I sent him a very terse e-mail telling him I didn't appreciate his comment and that my soul was doing just fine the way it is. Harrumph.

So, now I gleefully open the flood gates, awaiting whatever backlash I bring upon myself.

Go ahead.

Comment away.

Don't hold back.

Buehler?

Anyone?

OK, so I don't get a load of comments. For that matter, I don't get many readers. But, I soldier on in the face of this blissful ignorance because this blog allows me some sort of release. A flexing of the creative muscle, if you will. Now that I have a nifty new laptop with a cool wireless thingy, I can go about horking someone else's internet connection and update this fuzzy little piece of the world much more often. Can't say much about the quality of the postings, but at least they'll be more frequent.

I hope.

Feel free to comment. Anyone?

June 25, 2006

An open letter to the Regents of the University of California:

Sirs and Madams:

First off, allow me to offer my condolences for the tragic loss of Denice Denton, Regent for U.C. Santa Cruz. Her loss is a tragic one, but unfortunately, foreseeable. Nonetheless, please consider this letter a formal proposal to hire me as her replacement.

Before you pooh-pooh this notion with your condescending guffaws, please consider my numerous qualifications. Once you have looked over my curricula vitae, I think you'll be calling and asking just when I can get up to S.C. and take a look at the new digs. Check me out.

First, I'm no lesbian. While I usually consider being a lesbian a big plus (especially the hot ones I see in soft-core porn movies on Cinemax), in Ms. Denton's case, it was a big part of her undoing. See, I don't have a "partner" who will demand some ridiculous made up position that will pay her $120,000 per year. I have a wife and she would be perfectly happy staying home and shopping with my fat new salary. See, already I've saved you 120 Large per year just by taking the job. Hell, I'd consider being Regent for $120,000 a year, but I digress. Bottom line, I'm no lesbo, but I love to munch the ol' carpet if you know what I mean (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), especially if it'll help me get the job.

Next, I'm an attorney. No shit, I'm an honest-to-goodness member of the State Bar. Number 182384. You can look it up. Your last Regent at UCSC was some sort of brainiac electrical engineer with a buttload of degrees from M.I.T. Look where it got her. Over the balcony of an apartment in San Fran, that's where. How you like her now? I bet you do. My law degree and substantial experience in legal practice will come in really handy when we're dealing with the fucking unions up there in S.C. I'm no pussy when it comes to contract negotiations and I'm no bleeding heart either. Those mopes up there are lucky to have the jobs they hold just so they can buy their granola, ride their single speed bikes, and totally forget to shave their armpits (talking the women here, and it's pretty gross). The money I'd save you just in legal fees and cheaper labor agreements alone would allow about 200 more freshmen to come in and study the hell out of organic chemistry. Everyone wins, no?

Third, I'm a cheap son-of-a-bitch. How much were you paying that Denton woman? $750k per year? And her house? $650,000 to upgrade it? What did she want, solid gold fucking bidets in every room? Although I can't find fault in asking for that, I think she might have been a little out of line. So, here's what I want. Salary, $200,000 per year, to be negotiated each year based on performance. The salary can't go down, but raises will be merited. Next, I'll take her house without the improvements provided its in livable condition. If not, find me a decent place where I can live with my wife and four kids. Yeah, you read that right, I've got four kids. Like I said earlier, I'm no lesbian. They're all mine and they're spectacular. I probably won't be traveling much, so there's more savings. I don't have expensive tastes, so I'm not going to eating out in fancy restaurants all the time, and we are talking about Santa Cruz, so how "fancy" can the restaurants be? Not very, I'm betting. Bottom line, I save you a ton of jack; you pass along the savings. Sort of like that Crazy Gideon character. You have him up there in Nor Cal, right?

Finally, I'm looking at improving the image of UCSC in several ways. First off, how much did you guys make off that "Pulp Fiction" thing? What, you don't remember? John Travolta goes through most of the movie wearing a Banana Slug T-shirt and you guys didn't reap mucho residuals? Hey, your naivete is showing. Dudes (and babes), let me hip you to a little thing I like to call "licensing." Take that Banana Slug thingy and cash it out for all it's worth. Key chains, shirts, squeaky toys, loofas, "adult toys;" the sky's the limit. Next, find a way to make Santa Cruz attractive. The whole, "we're the real surf city" thing is lame. Jan and Dean were from So Cal. Hawthorne, I think. So, let it go. I have a better idea. Her name is Eva, and her ass is legendary. Check it out at the top of the page. That's what I'm talking about. See, she loves to go places and have her picture taken while she's doing a crazy handstand. In the picture above, she's wearing a pair of Santa Cruz shorts around that award winning rump. Dude, just the chance of seeing that tookus in person will have the pimple-faced, laptop toting, World of Warcraft playing geeks lined up around the block to get into UCSC. The other UC's will be hating on SC so hard, they'll probably blow an aneurysm. Sweet. Oh, I also have some ideas about your sports teams, but I'm not even sure you have sports teams so, we'll save that for later.

So, in closing I'd like to say thank you for this opportunity to address the recent opening at UCSC. I think I'd make a great regent or chancellor or whatever the top dog, or slug, is called up there. I'm available to start immediately. Hell, I'll even interview for the post.

Best Regards,
Ron

Time to play a little game I like to call, "You know what I don't get?"
Have fun and play along at home.


You know what I don't get? This whole illegal immigrant thing. Really, the whole argument is bullshit for some very good reasons.

First, no one is willing to come out and publicly state just what a shithole Mexico obviously is. If it wasn't, would millions of its citizens be flocking to the U.S. to pay $.50 each for used pants at my garage sale today? (by the way, the sale of the day occurred when a lady paid $2.00 for a bag of used underwear. . .I shit you not) Would they be risking life and limb to gain entry into a country if things were honky-dory back home? Fuck no. They are desperate to escape a corrupt government, a weak economy, and a backward-ass country-fuck open cesspool of a country.

Think about it. The average immigrant, legal or otherwise, comes here to better their life. You know why? Because it's the greatest country on earth right now. I imagine people would have been flocking to England in the 1700's if all that kept them out was some barbed wire and an inept border patrol. Spain in the 1600's? Probably all it could do to keep the Portuguese out. Then Portugal got all high and mighty in the late 1600's and probably passed some lame-ass laws saying it wanted to save all the good jobs for the Portuguese and basically told the Spaniards to go fuck themselves. That's where we are today. We rule. Everyone wants to live here, especially California. No one wants to sneak under the fence and hop a freight train to Maine. Maine sucks ass. . .hard. Maine is where the oxy-contin addiction thing started. I can relate.

The thing I really don't get is why do all the immigrants, legal or otherwise, complain like a bunch of bitches once they get here? "Hey, I snuck into your shithole of a country when you were busy fighting over gay marriage and now I want to tell you this place sucks." Or really? How the hell are things in Guanajuato? Peachy, I'll bet, Rigorberto. Really, it's not the immigrants who complain; it's their kids. I know. I teach them. They are the first to downgrade everything American. Our soccer team, our government, our police, our refusal to grant them a cheap place to live. It goes on. Then they tell me just how great Mexico is. "Oh, Mexico is cool. You don't have to go to school, we play all day, our soccer team rules, I can get drunk and nobody cares." You get the picture; it's fucking paradise.

So, I don't get it. Maybe I'm an ignorant son of a bitch, but what the hell? You drag your ass up here, get a low-paying job, send millions back to a country that bases a good part of its economy on the fact that its expatriated citizens will be sending millions back to current residents, then you complain because our government won't protect you? One word of advice: Fix your fucking house before you attempt to tell me my paint job is fading, fucker.

There will be more to this series. I'm just getting started.

Off to look at free porn. Which, by the way, reminds me; I don't get why we get bothered by our kids seeing a naked body but will let them play the goriest of video games.

Holy shit it's been a long time since I updated this thing. Turns out, not having access at work really slows the creative process (ie, blogging).

So what's bugging me? What is up in my neck of the woods? Nothing.

My life is really boring. It was once said that most men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Call me El desperado de silencio. I'm at a crossroads of my professional life and it almost always happens this time of year. June. School will be out and I'll be free to teach summer school or pursue my legal career. One or the other.

See, I'm growing tired of dealing with the unmotivated, the ungrateful, and the undisciplined. Teaching 13 year-olds all day tends to make one a little jaded; gives one a jaundiced view of society. I think I see all the ills of the world in the microcosm that is room 14. I've had kids kicked out of school for "huffing" keyboard cleaner. I've had kids with all the potential in the world throw it away so they can repeat the 8th grade and hang with their loser gangster wannabe friends. I've intercepted notes in class that were so explicit, they'd be banned on most porn sites (at least the ones I go to). Yeah, I've had my share of good kids, but they're getting fewer and farther between every year.

In other words, I'm getting kind of tired of this shit.

I definitely want to explore my legal career. I love the law. I love the courtroom. I even love doing research. Only one thing; I hated dealing with clients. They are worse than any 7th grader could ever dream of being. Again, I've had loads of good clients, but it's the immature, "I want my day in court" type of client that bitters my taste for the law. If only I could just make some money without having to deal with idiots; that would rule.

That's probably why I'll stick with teaching until I hit retirement age (sooner than some think). The plan is to stick it out for another 12 to 13 years, then do some criminal law (they pay up front, you get to berate smarmy little D.A. bitches, and if you lose the client can't sue you for malpractice. . . it's a win-win-win situation). Besides, I'll be collecting a fat pension while I sit on my ass waiting for the next drunk, meth using low-life to come through the door proclaiming innocence while insisting the cops made him confess by using mind control tricks and free coffee.

Time to watch "Deal, or No Deal."