June 25, 2006

An open letter to the Regents of the University of California:

Sirs and Madams:

First off, allow me to offer my condolences for the tragic loss of Denice Denton, Regent for U.C. Santa Cruz. Her loss is a tragic one, but unfortunately, foreseeable. Nonetheless, please consider this letter a formal proposal to hire me as her replacement.

Before you pooh-pooh this notion with your condescending guffaws, please consider my numerous qualifications. Once you have looked over my curricula vitae, I think you'll be calling and asking just when I can get up to S.C. and take a look at the new digs. Check me out.

First, I'm no lesbian. While I usually consider being a lesbian a big plus (especially the hot ones I see in soft-core porn movies on Cinemax), in Ms. Denton's case, it was a big part of her undoing. See, I don't have a "partner" who will demand some ridiculous made up position that will pay her $120,000 per year. I have a wife and she would be perfectly happy staying home and shopping with my fat new salary. See, already I've saved you 120 Large per year just by taking the job. Hell, I'd consider being Regent for $120,000 a year, but I digress. Bottom line, I'm no lesbo, but I love to munch the ol' carpet if you know what I mean (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), especially if it'll help me get the job.

Next, I'm an attorney. No shit, I'm an honest-to-goodness member of the State Bar. Number 182384. You can look it up. Your last Regent at UCSC was some sort of brainiac electrical engineer with a buttload of degrees from M.I.T. Look where it got her. Over the balcony of an apartment in San Fran, that's where. How you like her now? I bet you do. My law degree and substantial experience in legal practice will come in really handy when we're dealing with the fucking unions up there in S.C. I'm no pussy when it comes to contract negotiations and I'm no bleeding heart either. Those mopes up there are lucky to have the jobs they hold just so they can buy their granola, ride their single speed bikes, and totally forget to shave their armpits (talking the women here, and it's pretty gross). The money I'd save you just in legal fees and cheaper labor agreements alone would allow about 200 more freshmen to come in and study the hell out of organic chemistry. Everyone wins, no?

Third, I'm a cheap son-of-a-bitch. How much were you paying that Denton woman? $750k per year? And her house? $650,000 to upgrade it? What did she want, solid gold fucking bidets in every room? Although I can't find fault in asking for that, I think she might have been a little out of line. So, here's what I want. Salary, $200,000 per year, to be negotiated each year based on performance. The salary can't go down, but raises will be merited. Next, I'll take her house without the improvements provided its in livable condition. If not, find me a decent place where I can live with my wife and four kids. Yeah, you read that right, I've got four kids. Like I said earlier, I'm no lesbian. They're all mine and they're spectacular. I probably won't be traveling much, so there's more savings. I don't have expensive tastes, so I'm not going to eating out in fancy restaurants all the time, and we are talking about Santa Cruz, so how "fancy" can the restaurants be? Not very, I'm betting. Bottom line, I save you a ton of jack; you pass along the savings. Sort of like that Crazy Gideon character. You have him up there in Nor Cal, right?

Finally, I'm looking at improving the image of UCSC in several ways. First off, how much did you guys make off that "Pulp Fiction" thing? What, you don't remember? John Travolta goes through most of the movie wearing a Banana Slug T-shirt and you guys didn't reap mucho residuals? Hey, your naivete is showing. Dudes (and babes), let me hip you to a little thing I like to call "licensing." Take that Banana Slug thingy and cash it out for all it's worth. Key chains, shirts, squeaky toys, loofas, "adult toys;" the sky's the limit. Next, find a way to make Santa Cruz attractive. The whole, "we're the real surf city" thing is lame. Jan and Dean were from So Cal. Hawthorne, I think. So, let it go. I have a better idea. Her name is Eva, and her ass is legendary. Check it out at the top of the page. That's what I'm talking about. See, she loves to go places and have her picture taken while she's doing a crazy handstand. In the picture above, she's wearing a pair of Santa Cruz shorts around that award winning rump. Dude, just the chance of seeing that tookus in person will have the pimple-faced, laptop toting, World of Warcraft playing geeks lined up around the block to get into UCSC. The other UC's will be hating on SC so hard, they'll probably blow an aneurysm. Sweet. Oh, I also have some ideas about your sports teams, but I'm not even sure you have sports teams so, we'll save that for later.

So, in closing I'd like to say thank you for this opportunity to address the recent opening at UCSC. I think I'd make a great regent or chancellor or whatever the top dog, or slug, is called up there. I'm available to start immediately. Hell, I'll even interview for the post.

Best Regards,
Ron